How Time Flies…

WTF? Had I lost a few months? Had I somehow ventured into some tear in the space/time continuum as I wandered looking for my Hobnobs?

I stood, silently bemused for a moment. I checked my watch and it was still Feb 1st ….maybe I had missed the call about Easter being moved forward to February?

Then it clicked. No it wasn’t anything mysterious at all. It was simply the shops being greedy chiselling twatters as usual!

Every year it’s the same, I shouldn’t have been surprised. What did knock me off balance was just how early they have rolled out the Easter merchandise this year. I mean, come on……the dust from the Christmas goods hasn’t even settled yet.

Rotten Eggs

It was not as if it was one or two eggs…..there were bloody hundreds of them! Who the hell buys an Easter egg this far in advance? And how shit must the chocolate be to still be in date when Easter actually arrives?
I know it is not the end if the world but it annoys me how the shops try and separate you from your money earlier and earlier every year.



Well kiss my arse Tescos, you unscrupulous arrogant dogturds….I for one will be waiting to buy up your unsold Easter eggs after Easter…..when they are cheap!!

Backed into a corner

The really do have the men by the betty swollocks. Well those that are not sad and lonely anyway. Actually cancel that….they have them duped too. After all, the gimpy stalker types that sit drooling at the office hottie all year now have the opportunity to send a mysterious Valentines card to their object of desire/next kidnap victim.

Normally, these retards would cream their pants and have an asthma attack at the thought of doing anything as brave as sending a gift….they prefer to watch from afar…usually with the aid of a long range telescope and some kleenex. On this one day alone they can send a card and bewilder their unsuspecting target.

Valentines Day encourages unsolicited mail from losers….it’s a frigging spam-fest!

And you know how I love SPAM

Anyway, I digress.

They want the world!

The problem is that your beloved partners now expect something fancy on Feb 14th. They expect a pathetically mushy card, chocolates, a horrid gift like a teddy bear or heart cushion, flowers and a bloody meal! Jesus woman, I am still recovering from Christmas….what’s wrong with a cheap petrol station card and an Indian takeaway?

Absolutely nothing! If you want to have a sex ban and month of silence enforced upon you. Granted, the silence is hardly a discouragement but the sex ban is troublesome enough to send you running to your nearest teddy bear shop.

Is it just me?

Am I being one-sided? No not really, it is Valenetine’s that is one-sided. The man will maybe get a card and a pair of ridiculous novelty ‘I love you’ boxer shorts, or a thong. It is hardly fair.

I can be romantic, in fact I love buying little surprise gifts for my other half….but I like doing that on my own terms, when I feel like it. I have a problem with being forced to buy over-priced tat just because bloated cash-hungry marketers have twisted valentine’s into something grotesque.

It makes me sick.

And yes, I have already booked a table for two at an expensive Italian restaurant, ordered some roses and got a heart-infested card today.

And a teddy bear.

Some thieving chiselling twatter stole my Hotmail account the other day.

Yes, I was hijacked.

It left me feeling abused and defenceless.



No, not really, it just pissed me off. I think the worst think about cyber theft is the whole faceless offender aspect. What I mean is that if you are robbed in the street at least you have an actual physical person to blame it on. If you are fortunate, you can even catch the person and break some of their limbs.

Ok, I accept that you are in no danger of any physical harm from cyber crime – unless they use your credit card to buy porn, and the wife thinks your ‘cyber-thief’ alibi is bullshit and breaks your testicles. That would be bad – but the chances are that any online crime will result in mental anguish alone.

No Honour Among Thieves

Still, it is not acceptable. In fact, it is quite worrying. To think that some absolute fucker from Nigeria can steal your identity and card details, and then buy himself three pairs of Nike Air Max and a Reebok tracksuit from eBay – it’s the stuff of nightmares.



Especially if the bastard doesn’t leave any positive feedback for the seller…..



You selfish Nigerian twat, everyone knows that feedback is reciprocal! Now, not only am I £150 out of pocket, I am STILL 3 feedbacks short of a gold star.

I understand you’re a dishonest stealing helmet but there is no need whatsoever to be a complete arse about it. It wouldn’t have taken you a minute to add a nice comment or two, now you have totally fucked me over and I don’t even have a gold eBay rating to show for it……..you self-centred tosspot.

Anyway, I digress. This is about my stolen email account – not my previous eBay troubles.

Email Theft

Actually, it wasn’t so bad. My girlfriend asked me why I had sent her an odd email telling her about some really good site to buy stuff from. I hadn’t, so I checked my account and sure enough, the same email was present in my sent messages folder and had been sent to all my contacts. Not that was necessarily a bad thing, I had not cleared my contacts list for a while and some of the names in there were companies and odd people that I had grievances with via email. Maybe there was a silver lining and one of them opened the spam and got a virus!

Sadly that was doubtful, as I think the message was just some lowlife trying to earn affiliate commission.

Still, the wanker had my email account and if he sent shit loads of messages I could be hit with a spam complaint and I had owned that email for 10 years. Thieving spam boy could fuck off……it was mine.

Although the unlucky fuckwit had stolen the wrong account really…..most of my friends are complete tight-arses, he had fuck all chance of making a sale. I am surprised I didn’t receive abusive emails back from them telling me to do one and stop harassing them with shit.

An Easy Cure

The solution to my problem was simple really, I changed my password and since then all has been fine. I was concerned how he had gotten my password until the other day…..

I noticed a weird email from my girlfriend; the email was advertising a place to get a cheap iPod!

We checked her account and low and behold, someone had hacked her email and sent that message to everyone in her contacts. I got her to change her password and no more dodgy spam BUT…..her contact list has been wiped and for a while she couldn’t receive and incoming mail!

Bloody Hotmail!

I have my suspicions that Hotmail are not entirely innocent in all of this. There is no way anyone could have got my girlfriends password via my account. I think there has been some form of security breach at Hotmail so if you have one of their accounts I would keep a close eye on your sent messages.



Blimey, this almost counts as an educational, informative post. Bollocks.

No I am not referring to that little blue tin of dog food that masquerades as a form of processed meat. The subject of this post is the irritating unrequested email you received from some anonymous bottom feeder that wants to sell you some morally dubious product.

Modern email junk filters do perform a half-decent job of keeping this electronic dog turd from bothering me that often, but every once in a while some slimes its way through and infests my inbox.

I have noticed a recent change in the way SPAM is structured, well maybe it is not new, maybe I have just noticed…..whatever, it has come to my attention….and this post is the result.

Get a grip Hotmail

The junk box of my Hotmail account is festooned with crap but that’s fine…..it is the junk box after all. However, some messages that should be in there are creeping out. Hotmail has sprung a sewage leak and it is dripping poo into my inbox.

Spam No.1

Some of these junk-evading spam emails are messages allegedly from females. Apparently, all of them miss me and want me to join them in ‘live cam chat’ and watch them having fun.

Look love, while that sounds tempting, I have an odd suspicion that you are not real.

Honestly, my inbox is starting to read like a little black book.

Megan – Missing you

Kimberley – Hey, where have you been?

Sarah – Can’t wait to see you

The list goes on. Sadly, I don’t know a single one of these ‘ladies’, and by ladies I really mean men, because that’s whom most of them really are. Some sweaty fuckwit that is trying to make money from commissions earned by getting even sadder sweaty sex pests to sign up to a Sex Cam website – in some desperate hope of getting cyber jiggy with these fake hookers.

Spam No.2

The second style of shit I have been receiving, are those that appear to come from somewhere called Message Center – or similar variations of this. The subject field will be something along the line of, ‘You have a message waiting’ or, ‘Message in your Inbox’. I don’t actually know what these bastards are flogging because I have never opened one….even I am not that gullible (as opposed to the ‘lady spam’ which I opened out of curiosity and research).

If anyone does know what they are hoping for please let me know.

Spam No.3

I am getting a few emails from bloody Windows Live telling me that (for this example I will use the last alleged sender) Melanie, has a photo album that she wants to show me.

Jesus Christ, I am getting spammed by Microsoft! Who the fuck gets spammed by Microsoft? This is bloody unfair now!

With the greatest respect to Melanie, I don’t think you are a real person, I suspect you are trying to get me to click on a dodgy link in the promise of seeing your saucy little photo album. On the off chance that I am wrong and you are real then I sincerely apologise for calling you fake.

The fact remains that if you are real you will undoubtedly be fucking ugly…..and a loser. Get a grip woman, who emails random men offering to show a photo album?

Fugly losers that’s who.

Keep your vomit-inducing grotesque photo album to yourself you hideous stalking munter.

Spam No.4

Lastly, I have been getting some sneaky SPAM from annoying randoms that are using free email services like gmail or yahoo. What pisses me off is that my trusty Hotmail account just deposits them straight into my inbox.

Look Gates, you speccy twat, I do not know mike@taekwondo59.com and I have never heard of tom34562@gmail.com. God dammit, I only accept mail from my contacts and trusted sources!!

Now I accept that I some unscrupulous arse clown has probably sold my email address after I may have bought something from ebay or the like. I can almost handle getting SPAM from credit card companies and life insurance vultures…..hell I am now oblivious to offers of cheap Mexican Viagra I get them so often (I always keep one of those messages saved, maybe useful in my twilight years.)

But how did that clagnut mike@taekwondo59.com get my address?

I am perplexed. And I have no interest in a cheap iphone from an auction site.

Fucking spammers!

IF YOU GET SPAM LIKE THE KIND ABOVE, WHY NOT DO AS I DO AND REPLY. WHILE IT MAY SERVE NO REAL PURPOSE AND NEVER BE READ, IT CAN BE SUPRISINGLY SATISFYING, GIVE IT A TRY!

Here is the email I sent back to my new friend mike@taekwondo59.com, please feel free to use it as a spam-reply template if you so wish…



To: mike@taekwondo59.com



Subject Line: Congratulations! You have won 1st prize!



Email Body: “YOU GET TO LICK MY SWEATY BALL SACK YOU FUCKING SPAMMING CUNT.”

Why is it that people that supposedly drive for a living, and are therefore technically ‘professional’ drivers, are so completely incapable of not driving like total bastards?

I am referring to TAXI DRIVERS.

I make no apologies or qualms about the fact that I fucking hate taxi drivers.

What have they ever done to me?

Well apart from driving like they own the roads, these half-blind ignorant fucktards obviously remove the vehicle indicators when they buy a car. Then they rip out the rear-view and side mirrors, as they will never be used and are just taking up space.

And what is it with the constant U-Turns these arseholes are always making? – Without warning and always in the middle of a busy road.

They pull out of junctions causing you to emergency break, stop where they goddamn like to pick up a fare and happily hold up traffic while they pull up alongside their taxi twat mate for a nice cosy chat.

Taxi drivers are cunts – pure and simple.

None of them ever know where they are going and even when you direct them they ‘accidentally’ make a wrong turn and end up talking you on a detour….and then charge you for it.

I don’t pay a criminally extortionate fare to guide a bloody cabbie to my door. Are they not supposed to take some sort of exam to test their ‘knowledge’ of the local area? Yeah right.

While I am on the subject of fares, who the hell decides on the pay rates? I know of utility companies that would kill for the taxi drivers’ methods of charging. You get in the taxi and before the robbing bastard has even taken the handbrake off the meter reads 3 quid! My car broke down once and I was forced to take a taxi to work for 3 days – same taxi company, same route, same times – I got charged £10 on day one, £14 on day two and £12 on day three…..robbing, siphoning, back-pocketing bastards!

Did I mention that most of them don’t even speak English these days? That would not be an issue if it were not for the fact that I live in an English speaking country and would like to verse my preferred destination in my mother tongue……I am sorry that I do not speak Turkish. I don’t live in Turkey.

They speed, unless you’re actually in the car, then they rarely get out of second gear and they get to choose whatever lane they feel like being in….then just cut you up and act like it’s your fault.

The list of highway rules and regulations that apply to the average driver but never apply to Mr. Taxi-Helmet are many, such as:

• Traffic lights – Red, amber and green are all GO for them.
• Pedestrian Crossings – They are not required to stop, even after they have run someone down.
• Roundabouts – It is ALWAYS their right of way.

If public transport was not so abysmally shit I would never use a taxi, but unfortunately it is shit so occasionally I am forced to endure their erratic driving and monetary inventiveness.

The only thing that ever makes it bearable is the sheer joy that comes with running off without paying.

Fuck you taxi wanker!!!!

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Hear Ye, Hear Ye

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What is the most common sentence you will hear in a town or city centre as you meander about minding your own business?



“Can you spare any change?”



It seems that begging has now become an acceptable occupation; it would not surprise me if I discovered that Universities and other higher education establishments were now offering degree courses in scrounging and obtaining monies by deception.

Mendicant Epidemic

Bloody beggars have multiplied like rabbits in recent times and you can’t walk 10 yards these days without being accosted by some parasitic scumbag, off their face on drink or drugs, expecting you to cough up the cash for their next fix or bottle of super-strength cider.

It makes me sick.

Pity those less fortunate than yourself

Don’t misunderstand me, I know there are some genuine cases of people that are temporarily down on their luck and are just trying to procure a bit of change for a much needed meal. I do sympathise with individuals who have suffered some terrible misfortune that was beyond their control and have ended up on the streets.

Fuck the rest of the idle bastards…



What I don’t feel an ounce of pity for is the lazy twats that can’t be arsed to look for a job and think it is their right to harass you for money, so they can spend all day getting pissed or shoving a needle in their arm, or both. They can fuck off and die…..hopefully the latter.

These haranguing shits are nearly always aggressive when you tell them to piss off, and if I hear one more lie about them needing the money for a cup of tea or a bus ticket I will beat them with their own dog-eared copy of The Big Issue.

Scum of the earth

These are not the bearded, dishevelled, scabies-riddled beggars you normally find sat in a doorway next to a little cardboard sign. At least they are genuinely homeless and in need of some change. No, these arseholes have either been given a free flat, or house, and are all wearing brand new designer clothes, none of which they have actually paid for. The majority of these scumbags are also rampant shoplifters; they literally pay for nothing, except drugs.

Once they have spent all their benefit money on getting high, they will be out begging, or robbing and mugging the elderly or some poor lone female. They will snatch your bag, phone or wallet and be back an hour later to ask you for some spare change.



Satisfaction is a bad batch of heroin that deservedly kills a few of them for a week or two.

Waste of oxygen

One of the most infuriating aspects is that these workshy, addict shits spend their entire life with their hands outstretched, waiting for everyone to give them everything for nothing – and then the government does exactly that.

People that have worked their entire lives, paid taxes and been a productive member of society find they get little assistance from the government in times of hardship. These sponging, pestilent, blights on existence get absolutely everything they want….free money, free housing, free dental and optical care etc all paid for with our tax money and without our consent.

I pay taxes to support my country, not to keep the very scum that are bringing it to its knees. They should get fuck all. If you have never worked, why should you be able to claim benefits…..what benefit have YOU ever provided?

Make them useful

With innocent people dying from landmines in war-torn countries and our brave soldiers giving their lives to protect others whom they have never met, it is a complete travesty that the government are not making use of the abundance of pathetic scum we have, just lying about, doing nothing.

We are in financial crisis and need to save money where we can. Not only are these dregs of society worth less that a bullet, they cost money to keep and why the fuck should soldiers die when these wasters get to stagger around, off their faces, without a care in the world?

Send these twats to Iraq and Afghanistan, let the enemy waste their bullets on them. Throw some packets of heroin or crack onto suspected minefields and let them scramble desperately for their fix and with any luck, set any hidden mines off.

It’s a win-win situation. The enemy runs out of bullets, the mines get safely disposed of and the scrounging tossers that drain the country dry disappear – and for once they have actually been of some use.



Now if only we could get rid of the waster charities that pander to these parasites…..

The problem is that it happens to be Sunday and a trip that should have taken no more than 30 minutes has just taken me over an hour.

Why twice as long, and why the issue with Sundays?



Bloody old age pensioners!!!



These doddering, steering wheel hugging, oxygen-stealing bastards are everywhere on a Sunday. It’s the only bloody day they take their cars out for the weekly drive to the shop. Get out and walk you lazy sods, for god sake you are sat on your arse all week moaning about the weather and pissing yourselves every 5 minutes.

You should be glad of the outdoor exercise.

The roads are like a plague of 10 mph near-sighted snails, slowly slithering along. Their shells freshly waxed even though they had never seen the light of day to get dirty in the first place.

Why buy a brand new, sports-edition car if you’re never going to take it out of first gear?!

I am not a road hog, I do not drive like some boy-racing twat, or even worse like an Audi TT or BMW owning helmet. I am reasonably considerate unless you try to sneak past in a traffic jam, then I will cut you off, drag you out of the car and beat you. Any other time I am a decent honest road user. But old people…..why?

How are they allowed to continuously plight our roads?

Most of them are blind, half of them are arthritic and the rest have dementia.

Maybe I am being unfair, some coffin dodgers are quite sprightly considering their extended years. I do not disagree with that, but give them a car, send them out on a Sunday and they all drive like they have Miss Daisy in the back.

There should be a law.

Any person lucky enough to survive past sixty who wishes to continue driving has to take a test. Nothing fancy, just a simple health check-up, eyesight test and basic driving skills….like the ability to drive on the correct side of the road, park in a under 20 minutes, not drive straight over roundabouts and then drive faster than 30 mph, without having a seizure.

I am not heartless, if they pass the test without dying they can drive….for a year – then they take the test again. Don’t shake your head; a month is the equivalent of 5 years in old person time.

But until my new law gets voted in these bumbling old wrinklies will continue to slowly hobble out of the shops. Only just staying upright with the aid of a stick, feeling about in front of them blinded by their own hirsute eyebrows and whilst they may have just destroyed 2 shop displays with their shopping trolley steering skills , they will undoubtedly climb into a brand new Mercedes.

And I know damn well I will end up stuck behind them.

Santa is a premature ejaculator.



Hmmm, maybe it unfair to label the fat, bearded, red-suited one with such an emasculatory tag, but he is generally loafing around various store Christmas displays and as the unscrupulous stores have shot their Christmas load too early, yet again, Santa is therefore guilty by association. The stores and their Santa’s have spent all year getting over-excited and failing to use adequate self-control techniques, they have blown their Christmas wad all over the unlucky high streets.

It’s not a pretty sight…..naughty, messy Santa.

And The Fat Man Is Not Alone…

This accusation also befits the multitude of Santa imposters, those weird men who pass themselves off as St. Nick to unwitting children. They too, fall into the ‘messed your pants’ category – though, rather disgustingly, in their case there is probably some truth in that statement!



Correct me if I am wrong but unless I have been in a come, it is still October? Yes?



Please excuse my calendar confusion; it’s just that as I begrudgingly wandered about the high street the other day I couldn’t help but notice – considering I was practically blinded by the neon vulgarity of it all – that far too many stores already had Christmas displays in their front windows/main aisles/entire store.

I was slightly worried, somewhat perplexed and definitely disturbed (but that is not unusual in itself), had I unwittingly been abducted and drugged senseless for a month or two? Was it not October? Is Christmas still in the month of December?



The answer: No, yes and yes.

Unscrupulous Bastards

What I failed to appreciate, and was apparently oblivious to, is that in the Land of the Unscrupulous Bastards, sometimes called the high street or shopping mall, Christmas actually starts in October. Not only that but this special Christmas season actually starts a fortnight earlier with every year that passes. It’s like a whole different world.

Christmas Sucks Balls

There may be many over-jolly festive spirit types that love the fact that Christmas comes earlier every year. Whatever, I am not one of them…..

I make no secret of the fact that I hate Christmas. It is a stupid, manufactured, fake period, originally moulded to please Christians and appease the pagans whom they stole the idea from.

Christmas is by far the ugliest festival period; with its nauseating, garish decorations, meaningless shallow pleasantries and tasteless, calorie-laden foods.



“Fuck Santa, fuck his little sex-slave elves tending to his fit-to-burst bulging sack of Xmas joy and fuck his flashing flea-ridden reindeer with their retarded, bauble-nosed leader. The whole tasteless episode is garish, over-popularised and fake. Bah fucking humbug. It’s a shit holiday.”

Bollocks to the shitty endless repetition of mind-numbing, pointless presents like socks, soap and car cleaning kits that appear year upon year. I have enough socks, I do not use cheap soap and I am far too lazy to wash my own car.



“It’s the thought that counts.”



No it isn’t. That phrase is the retort of morons who put absolutely zero thought into the gifts they give – they should be made to wash your car with their stupid car-cleaning kit gift, whilst eating the soap they bought……through the socks.

Anyway…

Ok, you get it, I hate Christmas. Back to my point, if I ever had one….what was it again? Oh yes, shops and stores deciding that Christmas will now start in October. Thankfully, I am not alone in my sheer disgust at this season-altering palaver. I hear people moaning about the very same thing…..then they ruin it by adding, ‘oh well, at least I got my shopping out of the way!’ No, no, no, that’s not the point……idiots!

How can anyone seriously enjoy Christmas shopping? And now that the whole miserable thing is spread over months, instead of weeks it’s more agonizing than ever. Who honestly enjoys the ‘kill-me-right-now’ jingly-jangly music piped throughout the stores? Now the sickening musical fiasco is even longer! I fully expect that as the 25th December draws closer I will have lost all will to live.

“Oh I wish it could be Christmas every day!” proclaimed that hairy musical irritant Roy Wood, he and his one-hit wonder band Wizard have a lot to answer to – namely hate-crimes against music. That song lyric is certainly true for the money-grabbing, season-lengthening store bastards!

Viva La Revoution

Christmas needs a revolution. It’s time the stores should be made to pay and answer for their Christmas crimes. If you are somehow not convinced, consider this:

Shops use Santa’s Grotto’s as a clever ploy to entice you to bring your children inside – your children then see lots of toys, and want them all…..that is never good.

Even worse than this they are encouraging biblical malevolence….

“Thou shalt not worship false idols”

- Telling children to make wishes to Santa is blasphemous and your children could burn in hell as a result.

- You know Santa does not really exist, after all you eat all those mince pies you left out for ‘Santa’, and who really buys the presents? Not only that but you know damn well that the strange man, smelling of stale alcohol, in the dishevelled red suit, sat right there in the grotto you have brought your child to is not even the real fake Santa. You are lying and that’s another sin….now you could be the one sentenced to eternal damnation.



See? It is just one catastrophy after another!



So you are not religious, therefore none of this affects you anyway…..really?



OK, then name another situation where you would readily allow your child to sit on the lap of a fat, sweaty man, purposefully masking his true identity, pretending to be someone he is not, whose intention is to offer your child a nice ‘present’ if they promise to be good?!



Santa is a sex-pest and you should burn his grotto.



Let’s conclude and remind ourselves of the wonders of Christmas shopping:

- Over-priced toys
- Screaming, hissy fit children
- Soul-destroying, migraine-inducing music
- Grotesque eyesore displays and,
- A fat, perverted stranger in a stupid red velvet suit



I urge everybody that still has an ounce of sense to boycott the stores until the official Christmas shopping period….



The 24th December!



Who’s with me?

I’m sure many people will be looking forward to the endless barrage of cute, costumed children arriving at their doors, proclaiming, ‘Trick or Treat!’ hands outstretched, waiting for their candy reward – or buckets outstretched ready to be filled, if they are very devious.



Unsurprisingly, I won’t be waiting with eager anticipation. I will be dreading it.



It’s nothing short of bloody organized racketeering – not only that, but as is the case for most modern day seasonal events, the whole debacle is a blatant modern misrepresentation of what was historically a once purposeful tradition.

And They Look Shit

Iin most cases the begging little miscreants are adorned in crappy costumes and why should I award somebody else’s child for dressing up in a tattered white sheet? Kid’s like dressing up, it hardly deserves a medal – or sweets – and in most cases they make a lousy effort anyway.

It’s Not Even Accurate!

I admit to being somewhat historically illiterate, but if I remember correctly (I probably don’t), the origin of the trick or treat phenomenon was Irish peasantry collecting goods and produce for the festival of St. Columbus Kill. This would involve receiving worthy donations, like wheat, fruit or vegetables. These would then be redistributed amongst the needy – a sort of Harvest Festival system of alms. That was a good cause.

Giving greedy, often obese, nutritionally-challenged midgets sugar-laden treats just to get them away from your door is not alms and not a worthwhile cause – its extortion, and emotional blackmail, and very, very annoying. The haranguing little shits.

Defend Yourselves

I have tried various ploys to make my house a trick or treat ‘no go zone’ in the past; a bucket of water poured out of an upstairs window (sadly, this previously successful technique would be classified as ‘child abuse’ these days). I have placed signs on my door, such as: ‘Trick or Treaters will be shot’ and my personal favourite, ‘I do not have any sweets. Fuck off!’ but the simplest method by far is to just shut the door, though if I was better prepared I would remember to disconnect the door chime and not bother to answer the door in the first place.

In times gone by, I have had the greatest fun with responding to their difficult childish question with, ‘Trick’. In most circumstances this challenging response completely baffled the tiny fuckwits, their miniscule, greed-orientated brains had never factored for a negative response.

The majority stood dumbfounded for a while, before slowly skulking off, crying – if I was really lucky. Very rarely, a clever one or two had come prepared for a tight-arsed citizen and would react to my ‘Trick’ challenge with a miserably feeble attempt to ‘egg’ me. Laughably, their pathetic, weedy, spaghetti-like child arms could never propel their egg projectiles with any respectable force or accuracy and not one of the cocky little upstarts ever hit me. Ha!

The good news was that this belligerent act counted as a declaration of war and allowed for my swift, unmerciful retaliation. This came in the form of a rapid carpet-bombing for the miniature war-mongers with week-old eggs, which had been left somewhere warm in preparation.

I usually took some candy off the now sticky, crying, foul-smelling children as war-crime compensation for the cost of my munitions, the cost of cleaning up their misaimed missiles and as wages for my soldiers i.e. me.



But that was the good ole’ days.



Will I be proclaiming ‘Trick!’ this Halloween? No I will not.



Here is why…..



In these horrible times of rising juvenile violence and almost non-existent social morality there is a very high probability that I would get stabbed, or my house burnt to the ground, if I dared to deny their demand.

Besides, they probably won’t be asking for sweets, they will be holding rucksacks open for us all to fill with our finest jewellery and electrical goodies….that’s if they have not just forced their way past and taken the TV and DVD player.



What I want to know is when did a balaclava and a hoody become acceptable as Halloween costume?

Maybe I am just behind the times.



Still I am optimistic and believe there is still good in the children of the world, they just need some sage-like adult guidance, and here is what we should all do…..



When they knock at the door and proclaim ‘Trick or Treat?’ hand them some good, healthy nutritional foods this year. Give them some fruit, or a nice carrot. Maybe, you could visit your local second-hand bookstore and buy some classic novels; after all, nothing shows appreciation better than a dog-eared copy of Wuthering Heights. Ok, the chance is the ungrateful little shits will not thank you now, but just think of their undying gratitude when they avoid diabetes, a teenage heart-attack and having to attend ‘special school’.



Go on, give something back to Trick or Treat this year, give the children something they desperately need….sensible moral guidance.

Disclaimer: The author of this blog post cannot be held legally responsible when you are brutally murdered, or badly maimed on your doorstep after following the advice contained within this blog.

Any attempt to give a sheath of wheat or an apple to a knife-wielding, or gun-toting adolescent is done so entirely at your own risk.