How Time Flies…

WTF? Had I lost a few months? Had I somehow ventured into some tear in the space/time continuum as I wandered looking for my Hobnobs?

I stood, silently bemused for a moment. I checked my watch and it was still Feb 1st ….maybe I had missed the call about Easter being moved forward to February?

Then it clicked. No it wasn’t anything mysterious at all. It was simply the shops being greedy chiselling twatters as usual!

Every year it’s the same, I shouldn’t have been surprised. What did knock me off balance was just how early they have rolled out the Easter merchandise this year. I mean, come on……the dust from the Christmas goods hasn’t even settled yet.

Rotten Eggs

It was not as if it was one or two eggs…..there were bloody hundreds of them! Who the hell buys an Easter egg this far in advance? And how shit must the chocolate be to still be in date when Easter actually arrives?
I know it is not the end if the world but it annoys me how the shops try and separate you from your money earlier and earlier every year.



Well kiss my arse Tescos, you unscrupulous arrogant dogturds….I for one will be waiting to buy up your unsold Easter eggs after Easter…..when they are cheap!!

Why is it that people that supposedly drive for a living, and are therefore technically ‘professional’ drivers, are so completely incapable of not driving like total bastards?

I am referring to TAXI DRIVERS.

I make no apologies or qualms about the fact that I fucking hate taxi drivers.

What have they ever done to me?

Well apart from driving like they own the roads, these half-blind ignorant fucktards obviously remove the vehicle indicators when they buy a car. Then they rip out the rear-view and side mirrors, as they will never be used and are just taking up space.

And what is it with the constant U-Turns these arseholes are always making? – Without warning and always in the middle of a busy road.

They pull out of junctions causing you to emergency break, stop where they goddamn like to pick up a fare and happily hold up traffic while they pull up alongside their taxi twat mate for a nice cosy chat.

Taxi drivers are cunts – pure and simple.

None of them ever know where they are going and even when you direct them they ‘accidentally’ make a wrong turn and end up talking you on a detour….and then charge you for it.

I don’t pay a criminally extortionate fare to guide a bloody cabbie to my door. Are they not supposed to take some sort of exam to test their ‘knowledge’ of the local area? Yeah right.

While I am on the subject of fares, who the hell decides on the pay rates? I know of utility companies that would kill for the taxi drivers’ methods of charging. You get in the taxi and before the robbing bastard has even taken the handbrake off the meter reads 3 quid! My car broke down once and I was forced to take a taxi to work for 3 days – same taxi company, same route, same times – I got charged £10 on day one, £14 on day two and £12 on day three…..robbing, siphoning, back-pocketing bastards!

Did I mention that most of them don’t even speak English these days? That would not be an issue if it were not for the fact that I live in an English speaking country and would like to verse my preferred destination in my mother tongue……I am sorry that I do not speak Turkish. I don’t live in Turkey.

They speed, unless you’re actually in the car, then they rarely get out of second gear and they get to choose whatever lane they feel like being in….then just cut you up and act like it’s your fault.

The list of highway rules and regulations that apply to the average driver but never apply to Mr. Taxi-Helmet are many, such as:

• Traffic lights – Red, amber and green are all GO for them.
• Pedestrian Crossings – They are not required to stop, even after they have run someone down.
• Roundabouts – It is ALWAYS their right of way.

If public transport was not so abysmally shit I would never use a taxi, but unfortunately it is shit so occasionally I am forced to endure their erratic driving and monetary inventiveness.

The only thing that ever makes it bearable is the sheer joy that comes with running off without paying.

Fuck you taxi wanker!!!!

What is the most common sentence you will hear in a town or city centre as you meander about minding your own business?



“Can you spare any change?”



It seems that begging has now become an acceptable occupation; it would not surprise me if I discovered that Universities and other higher education establishments were now offering degree courses in scrounging and obtaining monies by deception.

Mendicant Epidemic

Bloody beggars have multiplied like rabbits in recent times and you can’t walk 10 yards these days without being accosted by some parasitic scumbag, off their face on drink or drugs, expecting you to cough up the cash for their next fix or bottle of super-strength cider.

It makes me sick.

Pity those less fortunate than yourself

Don’t misunderstand me, I know there are some genuine cases of people that are temporarily down on their luck and are just trying to procure a bit of change for a much needed meal. I do sympathise with individuals who have suffered some terrible misfortune that was beyond their control and have ended up on the streets.

Fuck the rest of the idle bastards…



What I don’t feel an ounce of pity for is the lazy twats that can’t be arsed to look for a job and think it is their right to harass you for money, so they can spend all day getting pissed or shoving a needle in their arm, or both. They can fuck off and die…..hopefully the latter.

These haranguing shits are nearly always aggressive when you tell them to piss off, and if I hear one more lie about them needing the money for a cup of tea or a bus ticket I will beat them with their own dog-eared copy of The Big Issue.

Scum of the earth

These are not the bearded, dishevelled, scabies-riddled beggars you normally find sat in a doorway next to a little cardboard sign. At least they are genuinely homeless and in need of some change. No, these arseholes have either been given a free flat, or house, and are all wearing brand new designer clothes, none of which they have actually paid for. The majority of these scumbags are also rampant shoplifters; they literally pay for nothing, except drugs.

Once they have spent all their benefit money on getting high, they will be out begging, or robbing and mugging the elderly or some poor lone female. They will snatch your bag, phone or wallet and be back an hour later to ask you for some spare change.



Satisfaction is a bad batch of heroin that deservedly kills a few of them for a week or two.

Waste of oxygen

One of the most infuriating aspects is that these workshy, addict shits spend their entire life with their hands outstretched, waiting for everyone to give them everything for nothing – and then the government does exactly that.

People that have worked their entire lives, paid taxes and been a productive member of society find they get little assistance from the government in times of hardship. These sponging, pestilent, blights on existence get absolutely everything they want….free money, free housing, free dental and optical care etc all paid for with our tax money and without our consent.

I pay taxes to support my country, not to keep the very scum that are bringing it to its knees. They should get fuck all. If you have never worked, why should you be able to claim benefits…..what benefit have YOU ever provided?

Make them useful

With innocent people dying from landmines in war-torn countries and our brave soldiers giving their lives to protect others whom they have never met, it is a complete travesty that the government are not making use of the abundance of pathetic scum we have, just lying about, doing nothing.

We are in financial crisis and need to save money where we can. Not only are these dregs of society worth less that a bullet, they cost money to keep and why the fuck should soldiers die when these wasters get to stagger around, off their faces, without a care in the world?

Send these twats to Iraq and Afghanistan, let the enemy waste their bullets on them. Throw some packets of heroin or crack onto suspected minefields and let them scramble desperately for their fix and with any luck, set any hidden mines off.

It’s a win-win situation. The enemy runs out of bullets, the mines get safely disposed of and the scrounging tossers that drain the country dry disappear – and for once they have actually been of some use.



Now if only we could get rid of the waster charities that pander to these parasites…..

The problem is that it happens to be Sunday and a trip that should have taken no more than 30 minutes has just taken me over an hour.

Why twice as long, and why the issue with Sundays?



Bloody old age pensioners!!!



These doddering, steering wheel hugging, oxygen-stealing bastards are everywhere on a Sunday. It’s the only bloody day they take their cars out for the weekly drive to the shop. Get out and walk you lazy sods, for god sake you are sat on your arse all week moaning about the weather and pissing yourselves every 5 minutes.

You should be glad of the outdoor exercise.

The roads are like a plague of 10 mph near-sighted snails, slowly slithering along. Their shells freshly waxed even though they had never seen the light of day to get dirty in the first place.

Why buy a brand new, sports-edition car if you’re never going to take it out of first gear?!

I am not a road hog, I do not drive like some boy-racing twat, or even worse like an Audi TT or BMW owning helmet. I am reasonably considerate unless you try to sneak past in a traffic jam, then I will cut you off, drag you out of the car and beat you. Any other time I am a decent honest road user. But old people…..why?

How are they allowed to continuously plight our roads?

Most of them are blind, half of them are arthritic and the rest have dementia.

Maybe I am being unfair, some coffin dodgers are quite sprightly considering their extended years. I do not disagree with that, but give them a car, send them out on a Sunday and they all drive like they have Miss Daisy in the back.

There should be a law.

Any person lucky enough to survive past sixty who wishes to continue driving has to take a test. Nothing fancy, just a simple health check-up, eyesight test and basic driving skills….like the ability to drive on the correct side of the road, park in a under 20 minutes, not drive straight over roundabouts and then drive faster than 30 mph, without having a seizure.

I am not heartless, if they pass the test without dying they can drive….for a year – then they take the test again. Don’t shake your head; a month is the equivalent of 5 years in old person time.

But until my new law gets voted in these bumbling old wrinklies will continue to slowly hobble out of the shops. Only just staying upright with the aid of a stick, feeling about in front of them blinded by their own hirsute eyebrows and whilst they may have just destroyed 2 shop displays with their shopping trolley steering skills , they will undoubtedly climb into a brand new Mercedes.

And I know damn well I will end up stuck behind them.