I don’t like to make a habit of repetition but I am extremely bitter about all these Hollywood remakes so I am devoting another post to the subject.
Don’t roll your eyes at me, it’s just a short post and more in the form of a Top 10 list so stop your whining……it’s educational!
The Top 10 Remakes That Have Soiled the Memory of Classic Originals
1. The Taking of Pelham 123
A truly classic original spattered with a gripping atmosphere, great acting and a stunning soundtrack. I have refused to watch the remake and even though it boasts a top-notch cast, I bet it’s a bag of bollocks. I am not fucking happy about it, not happy at all.
2. Get Carter
Michael Caine is a legend, Sylvester Stallone has made some bearable films – but only when he hardly spoke in them. The remake has removed all of the original’s wit, bleak humour, character and real-life gritty action – it has also removed any semblance of decent filmmaking. Get Bent Stallone.
3. The Wicker Man
The remake did not get half as much abuse as it should have, purely because the original is pretty much unheard of in the US. This is a shame, if it had been more widely known then more people would have realized what a big sack of sick the remake was.
4. The Italian Job
I am a great fan of America but I’m sorry, Britain should have declared war when Hollywood dared to remake this. It is a national institution; I would have been less upset if they had taken the Queen. In its own right, the remake was not the worse film in the world. It was the second. Wankers.
5. Dawn Of The Dead
They just don’t get it. The whole charm and appeal of the original was the fact that the special effects were dodgy – replace those with fancy modern effects and you succeeded in removing the films soul. Well done. It sucks.
6. Planet Of The Apes
Fantastic film, quality acting, great choice of cast, wonderful dramatic storyline, jaw-dropping ending – and it had Charlton in it, he’s a god. Of course I mean the original. The remake was the dog’s arse. Walberg’s acting is worse than his rapping, which is quite an achievement, probably his only achievement, apart from been a horrendous actor.
7. Godzilla
Do I really need to discuss this? Very well – the original was charming, quirky, memorable and badly made, in a good way. The remake was just badly made, and it had Ferris Bueller in it and when has he ever made a good film?
8. The Ring
The original had been voted as the scariest movie of all time and it achieved this without blood and gore. The J-Horrors (Japanese Horror) are renowned for their psychological atmosphere and for scaring you shitless and The Ring was top dog. It was hardly surprising then that Hollywood couldn’t resist messing with it, and they did an excellent job of removing anything remotely scary from the film – should have called it The BoRing. The original was a vibrator – buzzing, full of energy, excitement and potential pleasure. The remake forgot to get new batteries and ended up lifeless, plastic and very ordinary.
9. Charlie & The Chocolate Factory
Everyone loved the quirky, surreal original – Gene Wilder, the Oompah Lumpahs….a great family film. So Hollywood got that miserable, odd-looking weirdo Burton to remake it and he turned Willy Wonka into a paedophile. Could you expect anything different from a man whose only semi-decent effort was Beetlejuice? Congratulations on perverting a classic children’s film Burton you beaky-nosed degenerate.
10. Clash Of The Titans
The remake may not be out yet but it will be shit. That is all you need to know.
It ended up a bit long-winded, but it is my list. Oh I don’t care if you disagree, it’s my list. There were some that nearly crept in: Rollerball, Psycho, Poseidon, hell I considered Fame for a moment but then remembered that the original was shit anyway so it didn’t really matter.
I decided to leave out Assault on Precinct 13 in the end. I love the original, what can I say, its John Carpenter…..and no-one makes films or soundtracks like him…….whoa, what the hell was I thinking. It’s my list and now there are 11 films….
11. Assault On Precinct 13
The remake should not exist simply because the original is a John Carpenter film and therefore can never be improved upon. The remake is not that terrible but it should not be allowed. Unfortunately, this means the remake has to be placed into the ‘suck balls’ category because the original is the mutt’s nuts. Sorry Lawrence, bad luck Ethan… but you should both know better. Life’s unfair, deal with it.
If you would like to comment and mention what your list would be, please do. Of course there is only one correct list – mine, but feel free to have your say, if you’re bothered