Don’t roll your eyes at me, it’s just a short post and more in the form of a Top 10 list so stop your whining……it’s educational!

The Top 10 Remakes That Have Soiled the Memory of Classic Originals

1. The Taking of Pelham 123

A truly classic original spattered with a gripping atmosphere, great acting and a stunning soundtrack. I have refused to watch the remake and even though it boasts a top-notch cast, I bet it’s a bag of bollocks. I am not fucking happy about it, not happy at all.



2. Get Carter

Michael Caine is a legend, Sylvester Stallone has made some bearable films – but only when he hardly spoke in them. The remake has removed all of the original’s wit, bleak humour, character and real-life gritty action – it has also removed any semblance of decent filmmaking. Get Bent Stallone.



3. The Wicker Man

The remake did not get half as much abuse as it should have, purely because the original is pretty much unheard of in the US. This is a shame, if it had been more widely known then more people would have realized what a big sack of sick the remake was.



4. The Italian Job

I am a great fan of America but I’m sorry, Britain should have declared war when Hollywood dared to remake this. It is a national institution; I would have been less upset if they had taken the Queen. In its own right, the remake was not the worse film in the world. It was the second. Wankers.



5. Dawn Of The Dead

They just don’t get it. The whole charm and appeal of the original was the fact that the special effects were dodgy – replace those with fancy modern effects and you succeeded in removing the films soul. Well done. It sucks.



6. Planet Of The Apes

Fantastic film, quality acting, great choice of cast, wonderful dramatic storyline, jaw-dropping ending – and it had Charlton in it, he’s a god. Of course I mean the original. The remake was the dog’s arse. Walberg’s acting is worse than his rapping, which is quite an achievement, probably his only achievement, apart from been a horrendous actor.



7. Godzilla

Do I really need to discuss this? Very well – the original was charming, quirky, memorable and badly made, in a good way. The remake was just badly made, and it had Ferris Bueller in it and when has he ever made a good film?



8. The Ring

The original had been voted as the scariest movie of all time and it achieved this without blood and gore. The J-Horrors (Japanese Horror) are renowned for their psychological atmosphere and for scaring you shitless and The Ring was top dog. It was hardly surprising then that Hollywood couldn’t resist messing with it, and they did an excellent job of removing anything remotely scary from the film – should have called it The BoRing. The original was a vibrator – buzzing, full of energy, excitement and potential pleasure. The remake forgot to get new batteries and ended up lifeless, plastic and very ordinary.



9. Charlie & The Chocolate Factory

Everyone loved the quirky, surreal original – Gene Wilder, the Oompah Lumpahs….a great family film. So Hollywood got that miserable, odd-looking weirdo Burton to remake it and he turned Willy Wonka into a paedophile. Could you expect anything different from a man whose only semi-decent effort was Beetlejuice? Congratulations on perverting a classic children’s film Burton you beaky-nosed degenerate.



10. Clash Of The Titans

The remake may not be out yet but it will be shit. That is all you need to know.






It ended up a bit long-winded, but it is my list. Oh I don’t care if you disagree, it’s my list. There were some that nearly crept in: Rollerball, Psycho, Poseidon, hell I considered Fame for a moment but then remembered that the original was shit anyway so it didn’t really matter.

I decided to leave out Assault on Precinct 13 in the end. I love the original, what can I say, its John Carpenter…..and no-one makes films or soundtracks like him…….whoa, what the hell was I thinking. It’s my list and now there are 11 films….



11. Assault On Precinct 13

The remake should not exist simply because the original is a John Carpenter film and therefore can never be improved upon. The remake is not that terrible but it should not be allowed. Unfortunately, this means the remake has to be placed into the ‘suck balls’ category because the original is the mutt’s nuts. Sorry Lawrence, bad luck Ethan… but you should both know better. Life’s unfair, deal with it.



If you would like to comment and mention what your list would be, please do. Of course there is only one correct list – mine, but feel free to have your say, if you’re bothered

I have sat in a state of sheer misery and suffered many of these ‘special effect extravaganza’ remakes and have yet to unearth a single one that has been a patch on the original.

In fact, even if they were not badly-made remakes and were just original films in their own right, the majority of them would still be classified as shit films.

In response to my original question, there are a few possible answers:

1. People liked the original and will pay to see if it has been sodomized.
2. Hollywood has completely run out of any new ideas.
3. Some arrogant arse actually believes he can do a better job.
4. If it has better effects, CGI and a bigger budget it has to be an improvement.
5. They are doing it just to piss me off.

I bit my tongue when they started massacring the zombie films, I suffered near-fatal blood pressure when they threw water in my face and redid The Italian Job but still I held my silence. When they broke my favourite toy and made a hash of Assault On Precinct 13 – I developed an embarrassing facial tick but swallowed my rage….

But now they can just fuck right off.

Nobody kicks me in the plums, calls my mother a slut and dares to remake….

“The Taking of Pelham 123”

Burn in hell you bastards, you burn in hell and you die!

What’s wrong with these bloody producers? Are they not content with snorting their own body weight in cocaine and molesting under-age hopefuls promised a big break if the smoke Daddy’s cigar? Why did they feel it necessary to mess with a true classic?

You can’t improve on perfection.

OK, maybe their intention was never to improve on the original, maybe they felt it warranted modernization. They were magnificently misguided. Stop fucking with my favourite films!

Come to think of it, why are so many of these Hollywood atrocities remakes of classic British flicks? Is it some historical payback? Jesus, you already threw our tea in a river and that was just mean – now you want to piss on our classic films as well, talk about holding onto a grudge.

Before you accuse me of paranoia and sulking over nothing, it’s not just us Brits whom are on the end of these film-based historic retributions, it seems the poor old Japanese are being paid back in full for Pearl Harbour. The Ring (original) is probably the greatest psychological horror of all time, not only has Hollywood remade that and countless other Japanese horror greats, but they have remade The Grudge and stuck Sarah Michelle ‘Wooden’ Geller in it. If that’s not a war crime, I do not know what is!

That’s right Hollywood; I am on to your diabolical Machiavellian remake plot. You may have fooled everyone else into thinking you were innocently churning out shitty films but not me – I know your dirty little secret and now thanks to my expose,  so will the readers…..both of them.

Watch your back Hollywood.