No I am not referring to that little blue tin of dog food that masquerades as a form of processed meat. The subject of this post is the irritating unrequested email you received from some anonymous bottom feeder that wants to sell you some morally dubious product.

Modern email junk filters do perform a half-decent job of keeping this electronic dog turd from bothering me that often, but every once in a while some slimes its way through and infests my inbox.

I have noticed a recent change in the way SPAM is structured, well maybe it is not new, maybe I have just noticed…..whatever, it has come to my attention….and this post is the result.

Get a grip Hotmail

The junk box of my Hotmail account is festooned with crap but that’s fine…..it is the junk box after all. However, some messages that should be in there are creeping out. Hotmail has sprung a sewage leak and it is dripping poo into my inbox.

Spam No.1

Some of these junk-evading spam emails are messages allegedly from females. Apparently, all of them miss me and want me to join them in ‘live cam chat’ and watch them having fun.

Look love, while that sounds tempting, I have an odd suspicion that you are not real.

Honestly, my inbox is starting to read like a little black book.

Megan – Missing you

Kimberley – Hey, where have you been?

Sarah – Can’t wait to see you

The list goes on. Sadly, I don’t know a single one of these ‘ladies’, and by ladies I really mean men, because that’s whom most of them really are. Some sweaty fuckwit that is trying to make money from commissions earned by getting even sadder sweaty sex pests to sign up to a Sex Cam website – in some desperate hope of getting cyber jiggy with these fake hookers.

Spam No.2

The second style of shit I have been receiving, are those that appear to come from somewhere called Message Center – or similar variations of this. The subject field will be something along the line of, ‘You have a message waiting’ or, ‘Message in your Inbox’. I don’t actually know what these bastards are flogging because I have never opened one….even I am not that gullible (as opposed to the ‘lady spam’ which I opened out of curiosity and research).

If anyone does know what they are hoping for please let me know.

Spam No.3

I am getting a few emails from bloody Windows Live telling me that (for this example I will use the last alleged sender) Melanie, has a photo album that she wants to show me.

Jesus Christ, I am getting spammed by Microsoft! Who the fuck gets spammed by Microsoft? This is bloody unfair now!

With the greatest respect to Melanie, I don’t think you are a real person, I suspect you are trying to get me to click on a dodgy link in the promise of seeing your saucy little photo album. On the off chance that I am wrong and you are real then I sincerely apologise for calling you fake.

The fact remains that if you are real you will undoubtedly be fucking ugly…..and a loser. Get a grip woman, who emails random men offering to show a photo album?

Fugly losers that’s who.

Keep your vomit-inducing grotesque photo album to yourself you hideous stalking munter.

Spam No.4

Lastly, I have been getting some sneaky SPAM from annoying randoms that are using free email services like gmail or yahoo. What pisses me off is that my trusty Hotmail account just deposits them straight into my inbox.

Look Gates, you speccy twat, I do not know mike@taekwondo59.com and I have never heard of tom34562@gmail.com. God dammit, I only accept mail from my contacts and trusted sources!!

Now I accept that I some unscrupulous arse clown has probably sold my email address after I may have bought something from ebay or the like. I can almost handle getting SPAM from credit card companies and life insurance vultures…..hell I am now oblivious to offers of cheap Mexican Viagra I get them so often (I always keep one of those messages saved, maybe useful in my twilight years.)

But how did that clagnut mike@taekwondo59.com get my address?

I am perplexed. And I have no interest in a cheap iphone from an auction site.

Fucking spammers!

IF YOU GET SPAM LIKE THE KIND ABOVE, WHY NOT DO AS I DO AND REPLY. WHILE IT MAY SERVE NO REAL PURPOSE AND NEVER BE READ, IT CAN BE SUPRISINGLY SATISFYING, GIVE IT A TRY!

Here is the email I sent back to my new friend mike@taekwondo59.com, please feel free to use it as a spam-reply template if you so wish…



To: mike@taekwondo59.com



Subject Line: Congratulations! You have won 1st prize!



Email Body: “YOU GET TO LICK MY SWEATY BALL SACK YOU FUCKING SPAMMING CUNT.”