Some thieving chiselling twatter stole my Hotmail account the other day.

Yes, I was hijacked.

It left me feeling abused and defenceless.



No, not really, it just pissed me off. I think the worst think about cyber theft is the whole faceless offender aspect. What I mean is that if you are robbed in the street at least you have an actual physical person to blame it on. If you are fortunate, you can even catch the person and break some of their limbs.

Ok, I accept that you are in no danger of any physical harm from cyber crime – unless they use your credit card to buy porn, and the wife thinks your ‘cyber-thief’ alibi is bullshit and breaks your testicles. That would be bad – but the chances are that any online crime will result in mental anguish alone.

No Honour Among Thieves

Still, it is not acceptable. In fact, it is quite worrying. To think that some absolute fucker from Nigeria can steal your identity and card details, and then buy himself three pairs of Nike Air Max and a Reebok tracksuit from eBay – it’s the stuff of nightmares.



Especially if the bastard doesn’t leave any positive feedback for the seller…..



You selfish Nigerian twat, everyone knows that feedback is reciprocal! Now, not only am I £150 out of pocket, I am STILL 3 feedbacks short of a gold star.

I understand you’re a dishonest stealing helmet but there is no need whatsoever to be a complete arse about it. It wouldn’t have taken you a minute to add a nice comment or two, now you have totally fucked me over and I don’t even have a gold eBay rating to show for it……..you self-centred tosspot.

Anyway, I digress. This is about my stolen email account – not my previous eBay troubles.

Email Theft

Actually, it wasn’t so bad. My girlfriend asked me why I had sent her an odd email telling her about some really good site to buy stuff from. I hadn’t, so I checked my account and sure enough, the same email was present in my sent messages folder and had been sent to all my contacts. Not that was necessarily a bad thing, I had not cleared my contacts list for a while and some of the names in there were companies and odd people that I had grievances with via email. Maybe there was a silver lining and one of them opened the spam and got a virus!

Sadly that was doubtful, as I think the message was just some lowlife trying to earn affiliate commission.

Still, the wanker had my email account and if he sent shit loads of messages I could be hit with a spam complaint and I had owned that email for 10 years. Thieving spam boy could fuck off……it was mine.

Although the unlucky fuckwit had stolen the wrong account really…..most of my friends are complete tight-arses, he had fuck all chance of making a sale. I am surprised I didn’t receive abusive emails back from them telling me to do one and stop harassing them with shit.

An Easy Cure

The solution to my problem was simple really, I changed my password and since then all has been fine. I was concerned how he had gotten my password until the other day…..

I noticed a weird email from my girlfriend; the email was advertising a place to get a cheap iPod!

We checked her account and low and behold, someone had hacked her email and sent that message to everyone in her contacts. I got her to change her password and no more dodgy spam BUT…..her contact list has been wiped and for a while she couldn’t receive and incoming mail!

Bloody Hotmail!

I have my suspicions that Hotmail are not entirely innocent in all of this. There is no way anyone could have got my girlfriends password via my account. I think there has been some form of security breach at Hotmail so if you have one of their accounts I would keep a close eye on your sent messages.



Blimey, this almost counts as an educational, informative post. Bollocks.

Why is it that people that supposedly drive for a living, and are therefore technically ‘professional’ drivers, are so completely incapable of not driving like total bastards?

I am referring to TAXI DRIVERS.

I make no apologies or qualms about the fact that I fucking hate taxi drivers.

What have they ever done to me?

Well apart from driving like they own the roads, these half-blind ignorant fucktards obviously remove the vehicle indicators when they buy a car. Then they rip out the rear-view and side mirrors, as they will never be used and are just taking up space.

And what is it with the constant U-Turns these arseholes are always making? – Without warning and always in the middle of a busy road.

They pull out of junctions causing you to emergency break, stop where they goddamn like to pick up a fare and happily hold up traffic while they pull up alongside their taxi twat mate for a nice cosy chat.

Taxi drivers are cunts – pure and simple.

None of them ever know where they are going and even when you direct them they ‘accidentally’ make a wrong turn and end up talking you on a detour….and then charge you for it.

I don’t pay a criminally extortionate fare to guide a bloody cabbie to my door. Are they not supposed to take some sort of exam to test their ‘knowledge’ of the local area? Yeah right.

While I am on the subject of fares, who the hell decides on the pay rates? I know of utility companies that would kill for the taxi drivers’ methods of charging. You get in the taxi and before the robbing bastard has even taken the handbrake off the meter reads 3 quid! My car broke down once and I was forced to take a taxi to work for 3 days – same taxi company, same route, same times – I got charged £10 on day one, £14 on day two and £12 on day three…..robbing, siphoning, back-pocketing bastards!

Did I mention that most of them don’t even speak English these days? That would not be an issue if it were not for the fact that I live in an English speaking country and would like to verse my preferred destination in my mother tongue……I am sorry that I do not speak Turkish. I don’t live in Turkey.

They speed, unless you’re actually in the car, then they rarely get out of second gear and they get to choose whatever lane they feel like being in….then just cut you up and act like it’s your fault.

The list of highway rules and regulations that apply to the average driver but never apply to Mr. Taxi-Helmet are many, such as:

• Traffic lights – Red, amber and green are all GO for them.
• Pedestrian Crossings – They are not required to stop, even after they have run someone down.
• Roundabouts – It is ALWAYS their right of way.

If public transport was not so abysmally shit I would never use a taxi, but unfortunately it is shit so occasionally I am forced to endure their erratic driving and monetary inventiveness.

The only thing that ever makes it bearable is the sheer joy that comes with running off without paying.

Fuck you taxi wanker!!!!

What is the most common sentence you will hear in a town or city centre as you meander about minding your own business?



“Can you spare any change?”



It seems that begging has now become an acceptable occupation; it would not surprise me if I discovered that Universities and other higher education establishments were now offering degree courses in scrounging and obtaining monies by deception.

Mendicant Epidemic

Bloody beggars have multiplied like rabbits in recent times and you can’t walk 10 yards these days without being accosted by some parasitic scumbag, off their face on drink or drugs, expecting you to cough up the cash for their next fix or bottle of super-strength cider.

It makes me sick.

Pity those less fortunate than yourself

Don’t misunderstand me, I know there are some genuine cases of people that are temporarily down on their luck and are just trying to procure a bit of change for a much needed meal. I do sympathise with individuals who have suffered some terrible misfortune that was beyond their control and have ended up on the streets.

Fuck the rest of the idle bastards…



What I don’t feel an ounce of pity for is the lazy twats that can’t be arsed to look for a job and think it is their right to harass you for money, so they can spend all day getting pissed or shoving a needle in their arm, or both. They can fuck off and die…..hopefully the latter.

These haranguing shits are nearly always aggressive when you tell them to piss off, and if I hear one more lie about them needing the money for a cup of tea or a bus ticket I will beat them with their own dog-eared copy of The Big Issue.

Scum of the earth

These are not the bearded, dishevelled, scabies-riddled beggars you normally find sat in a doorway next to a little cardboard sign. At least they are genuinely homeless and in need of some change. No, these arseholes have either been given a free flat, or house, and are all wearing brand new designer clothes, none of which they have actually paid for. The majority of these scumbags are also rampant shoplifters; they literally pay for nothing, except drugs.

Once they have spent all their benefit money on getting high, they will be out begging, or robbing and mugging the elderly or some poor lone female. They will snatch your bag, phone or wallet and be back an hour later to ask you for some spare change.



Satisfaction is a bad batch of heroin that deservedly kills a few of them for a week or two.

Waste of oxygen

One of the most infuriating aspects is that these workshy, addict shits spend their entire life with their hands outstretched, waiting for everyone to give them everything for nothing – and then the government does exactly that.

People that have worked their entire lives, paid taxes and been a productive member of society find they get little assistance from the government in times of hardship. These sponging, pestilent, blights on existence get absolutely everything they want….free money, free housing, free dental and optical care etc all paid for with our tax money and without our consent.

I pay taxes to support my country, not to keep the very scum that are bringing it to its knees. They should get fuck all. If you have never worked, why should you be able to claim benefits…..what benefit have YOU ever provided?

Make them useful

With innocent people dying from landmines in war-torn countries and our brave soldiers giving their lives to protect others whom they have never met, it is a complete travesty that the government are not making use of the abundance of pathetic scum we have, just lying about, doing nothing.

We are in financial crisis and need to save money where we can. Not only are these dregs of society worth less that a bullet, they cost money to keep and why the fuck should soldiers die when these wasters get to stagger around, off their faces, without a care in the world?

Send these twats to Iraq and Afghanistan, let the enemy waste their bullets on them. Throw some packets of heroin or crack onto suspected minefields and let them scramble desperately for their fix and with any luck, set any hidden mines off.

It’s a win-win situation. The enemy runs out of bullets, the mines get safely disposed of and the scrounging tossers that drain the country dry disappear – and for once they have actually been of some use.



Now if only we could get rid of the waster charities that pander to these parasites…..

I’m sure many people will be looking forward to the endless barrage of cute, costumed children arriving at their doors, proclaiming, ‘Trick or Treat!’ hands outstretched, waiting for their candy reward – or buckets outstretched ready to be filled, if they are very devious.



Unsurprisingly, I won’t be waiting with eager anticipation. I will be dreading it.



It’s nothing short of bloody organized racketeering – not only that, but as is the case for most modern day seasonal events, the whole debacle is a blatant modern misrepresentation of what was historically a once purposeful tradition.

And They Look Shit

Iin most cases the begging little miscreants are adorned in crappy costumes and why should I award somebody else’s child for dressing up in a tattered white sheet? Kid’s like dressing up, it hardly deserves a medal – or sweets – and in most cases they make a lousy effort anyway.

It’s Not Even Accurate!

I admit to being somewhat historically illiterate, but if I remember correctly (I probably don’t), the origin of the trick or treat phenomenon was Irish peasantry collecting goods and produce for the festival of St. Columbus Kill. This would involve receiving worthy donations, like wheat, fruit or vegetables. These would then be redistributed amongst the needy – a sort of Harvest Festival system of alms. That was a good cause.

Giving greedy, often obese, nutritionally-challenged midgets sugar-laden treats just to get them away from your door is not alms and not a worthwhile cause – its extortion, and emotional blackmail, and very, very annoying. The haranguing little shits.

Defend Yourselves

I have tried various ploys to make my house a trick or treat ‘no go zone’ in the past; a bucket of water poured out of an upstairs window (sadly, this previously successful technique would be classified as ‘child abuse’ these days). I have placed signs on my door, such as: ‘Trick or Treaters will be shot’ and my personal favourite, ‘I do not have any sweets. Fuck off!’ but the simplest method by far is to just shut the door, though if I was better prepared I would remember to disconnect the door chime and not bother to answer the door in the first place.

In times gone by, I have had the greatest fun with responding to their difficult childish question with, ‘Trick’. In most circumstances this challenging response completely baffled the tiny fuckwits, their miniscule, greed-orientated brains had never factored for a negative response.

The majority stood dumbfounded for a while, before slowly skulking off, crying – if I was really lucky. Very rarely, a clever one or two had come prepared for a tight-arsed citizen and would react to my ‘Trick’ challenge with a miserably feeble attempt to ‘egg’ me. Laughably, their pathetic, weedy, spaghetti-like child arms could never propel their egg projectiles with any respectable force or accuracy and not one of the cocky little upstarts ever hit me. Ha!

The good news was that this belligerent act counted as a declaration of war and allowed for my swift, unmerciful retaliation. This came in the form of a rapid carpet-bombing for the miniature war-mongers with week-old eggs, which had been left somewhere warm in preparation.

I usually took some candy off the now sticky, crying, foul-smelling children as war-crime compensation for the cost of my munitions, the cost of cleaning up their misaimed missiles and as wages for my soldiers i.e. me.



But that was the good ole’ days.



Will I be proclaiming ‘Trick!’ this Halloween? No I will not.



Here is why…..



In these horrible times of rising juvenile violence and almost non-existent social morality there is a very high probability that I would get stabbed, or my house burnt to the ground, if I dared to deny their demand.

Besides, they probably won’t be asking for sweets, they will be holding rucksacks open for us all to fill with our finest jewellery and electrical goodies….that’s if they have not just forced their way past and taken the TV and DVD player.



What I want to know is when did a balaclava and a hoody become acceptable as Halloween costume?

Maybe I am just behind the times.



Still I am optimistic and believe there is still good in the children of the world, they just need some sage-like adult guidance, and here is what we should all do…..



When they knock at the door and proclaim ‘Trick or Treat?’ hand them some good, healthy nutritional foods this year. Give them some fruit, or a nice carrot. Maybe, you could visit your local second-hand bookstore and buy some classic novels; after all, nothing shows appreciation better than a dog-eared copy of Wuthering Heights. Ok, the chance is the ungrateful little shits will not thank you now, but just think of their undying gratitude when they avoid diabetes, a teenage heart-attack and having to attend ‘special school’.



Go on, give something back to Trick or Treat this year, give the children something they desperately need….sensible moral guidance.

Disclaimer: The author of this blog post cannot be held legally responsible when you are brutally murdered, or badly maimed on your doorstep after following the advice contained within this blog.

Any attempt to give a sheath of wheat or an apple to a knife-wielding, or gun-toting adolescent is done so entirely at your own risk.

Don’t roll your eyes at me, it’s just a short post and more in the form of a Top 10 list so stop your whining……it’s educational!

The Top 10 Remakes That Have Soiled the Memory of Classic Originals

1. The Taking of Pelham 123

A truly classic original spattered with a gripping atmosphere, great acting and a stunning soundtrack. I have refused to watch the remake and even though it boasts a top-notch cast, I bet it’s a bag of bollocks. I am not fucking happy about it, not happy at all.



2. Get Carter

Michael Caine is a legend, Sylvester Stallone has made some bearable films – but only when he hardly spoke in them. The remake has removed all of the original’s wit, bleak humour, character and real-life gritty action – it has also removed any semblance of decent filmmaking. Get Bent Stallone.



3. The Wicker Man

The remake did not get half as much abuse as it should have, purely because the original is pretty much unheard of in the US. This is a shame, if it had been more widely known then more people would have realized what a big sack of sick the remake was.



4. The Italian Job

I am a great fan of America but I’m sorry, Britain should have declared war when Hollywood dared to remake this. It is a national institution; I would have been less upset if they had taken the Queen. In its own right, the remake was not the worse film in the world. It was the second. Wankers.



5. Dawn Of The Dead

They just don’t get it. The whole charm and appeal of the original was the fact that the special effects were dodgy – replace those with fancy modern effects and you succeeded in removing the films soul. Well done. It sucks.



6. Planet Of The Apes

Fantastic film, quality acting, great choice of cast, wonderful dramatic storyline, jaw-dropping ending – and it had Charlton in it, he’s a god. Of course I mean the original. The remake was the dog’s arse. Walberg’s acting is worse than his rapping, which is quite an achievement, probably his only achievement, apart from been a horrendous actor.



7. Godzilla

Do I really need to discuss this? Very well – the original was charming, quirky, memorable and badly made, in a good way. The remake was just badly made, and it had Ferris Bueller in it and when has he ever made a good film?



8. The Ring

The original had been voted as the scariest movie of all time and it achieved this without blood and gore. The J-Horrors (Japanese Horror) are renowned for their psychological atmosphere and for scaring you shitless and The Ring was top dog. It was hardly surprising then that Hollywood couldn’t resist messing with it, and they did an excellent job of removing anything remotely scary from the film – should have called it The BoRing. The original was a vibrator – buzzing, full of energy, excitement and potential pleasure. The remake forgot to get new batteries and ended up lifeless, plastic and very ordinary.



9. Charlie & The Chocolate Factory

Everyone loved the quirky, surreal original – Gene Wilder, the Oompah Lumpahs….a great family film. So Hollywood got that miserable, odd-looking weirdo Burton to remake it and he turned Willy Wonka into a paedophile. Could you expect anything different from a man whose only semi-decent effort was Beetlejuice? Congratulations on perverting a classic children’s film Burton you beaky-nosed degenerate.



10. Clash Of The Titans

The remake may not be out yet but it will be shit. That is all you need to know.






It ended up a bit long-winded, but it is my list. Oh I don’t care if you disagree, it’s my list. There were some that nearly crept in: Rollerball, Psycho, Poseidon, hell I considered Fame for a moment but then remembered that the original was shit anyway so it didn’t really matter.

I decided to leave out Assault on Precinct 13 in the end. I love the original, what can I say, its John Carpenter…..and no-one makes films or soundtracks like him…….whoa, what the hell was I thinking. It’s my list and now there are 11 films….



11. Assault On Precinct 13

The remake should not exist simply because the original is a John Carpenter film and therefore can never be improved upon. The remake is not that terrible but it should not be allowed. Unfortunately, this means the remake has to be placed into the ‘suck balls’ category because the original is the mutt’s nuts. Sorry Lawrence, bad luck Ethan… but you should both know better. Life’s unfair, deal with it.



If you would like to comment and mention what your list would be, please do. Of course there is only one correct list – mine, but feel free to have your say, if you’re bothered

What is it about Henley clothing that makes it the new uniform for tossers?

Maybe there was one original King Idiot that started it all? Was he wearing a pair of their hideously over-logo’d jeans when he decided to start a fight with an innocent person that had been unlucky enough to walk within 10 feet of him? Was Henleyman’s act of lobotomized thuggery witnessed by other knuckle-scraping wannabees whom then decided in their infinite thickness, that King Idiot’s unprovoked attack power and moronic prowess must be coming from his ugly jeans? Did this start a chav stampede heading directly to the latest Henley clothing supplier?



Anything is possible in the deranged world of fucktards.



More likely is that the clothing is popular due to its horribly garish design. The arrogance of emblazoning HENLEY all over the clothing probably appeals to their loutish persona. After all it is a match made in testosterone heaven – the clothing and it’s wearers are both socially repugnant!



It is as if the clothing has some IQ-reducing mystical power, as soon as the wearer slips on an item of Henley clothing an instantaneous change washes over them….





1. The eyes become glazed and widen

7. Speech will be in the form of shouting and will be limited to 5 common phrases (not unlike a talking Barbie Doll). These are:

• “What the fuck are you looking at”
• “C’mon then”
• “Do you want some or what”
• “Are you looking for a kicking then?”
• “Look at the tits on that!”

8. Hunting senses will be heightened; they will gain an uncanny ability to locate lone prey that is weaker, isolated and unaware.

10. They will feel the need to hug and kiss their friends in a fairly homo-erotic manner every few minutes…..but they are not gay and anyone that says otherwise will get a kicking.





Every town and city have these Henley packs roaming about, the Police could do everyone a favour that is out for a trouble-free, enjoyable night and simply arrest on sight anyone seen wearing these grotesque garments….before they batter someone senseless without reason, one of them most certainly will.



Henley clothing – Fashioned by the blind, worn by the arsehole.