Santa is a premature ejaculator.



Hmmm, maybe it unfair to label the fat, bearded, red-suited one with such an emasculatory tag, but he is generally loafing around various store Christmas displays and as the unscrupulous stores have shot their Christmas load too early, yet again, Santa is therefore guilty by association. The stores and their Santa’s have spent all year getting over-excited and failing to use adequate self-control techniques, they have blown their Christmas wad all over the unlucky high streets.

It’s not a pretty sight…..naughty, messy Santa.

And The Fat Man Is Not Alone…

This accusation also befits the multitude of Santa imposters, those weird men who pass themselves off as St. Nick to unwitting children. They too, fall into the ‘messed your pants’ category – though, rather disgustingly, in their case there is probably some truth in that statement!



Correct me if I am wrong but unless I have been in a come, it is still October? Yes?



Please excuse my calendar confusion; it’s just that as I begrudgingly wandered about the high street the other day I couldn’t help but notice – considering I was practically blinded by the neon vulgarity of it all – that far too many stores already had Christmas displays in their front windows/main aisles/entire store.

I was slightly worried, somewhat perplexed and definitely disturbed (but that is not unusual in itself), had I unwittingly been abducted and drugged senseless for a month or two? Was it not October? Is Christmas still in the month of December?



The answer: No, yes and yes.

Unscrupulous Bastards

What I failed to appreciate, and was apparently oblivious to, is that in the Land of the Unscrupulous Bastards, sometimes called the high street or shopping mall, Christmas actually starts in October. Not only that but this special Christmas season actually starts a fortnight earlier with every year that passes. It’s like a whole different world.

Christmas Sucks Balls

There may be many over-jolly festive spirit types that love the fact that Christmas comes earlier every year. Whatever, I am not one of them…..

I make no secret of the fact that I hate Christmas. It is a stupid, manufactured, fake period, originally moulded to please Christians and appease the pagans whom they stole the idea from.

Christmas is by far the ugliest festival period; with its nauseating, garish decorations, meaningless shallow pleasantries and tasteless, calorie-laden foods.



“Fuck Santa, fuck his little sex-slave elves tending to his fit-to-burst bulging sack of Xmas joy and fuck his flashing flea-ridden reindeer with their retarded, bauble-nosed leader. The whole tasteless episode is garish, over-popularised and fake. Bah fucking humbug. It’s a shit holiday.”

Bollocks to the shitty endless repetition of mind-numbing, pointless presents like socks, soap and car cleaning kits that appear year upon year. I have enough socks, I do not use cheap soap and I am far too lazy to wash my own car.



“It’s the thought that counts.”



No it isn’t. That phrase is the retort of morons who put absolutely zero thought into the gifts they give – they should be made to wash your car with their stupid car-cleaning kit gift, whilst eating the soap they bought……through the socks.

Anyway…

Ok, you get it, I hate Christmas. Back to my point, if I ever had one….what was it again? Oh yes, shops and stores deciding that Christmas will now start in October. Thankfully, I am not alone in my sheer disgust at this season-altering palaver. I hear people moaning about the very same thing…..then they ruin it by adding, ‘oh well, at least I got my shopping out of the way!’ No, no, no, that’s not the point……idiots!

How can anyone seriously enjoy Christmas shopping? And now that the whole miserable thing is spread over months, instead of weeks it’s more agonizing than ever. Who honestly enjoys the ‘kill-me-right-now’ jingly-jangly music piped throughout the stores? Now the sickening musical fiasco is even longer! I fully expect that as the 25th December draws closer I will have lost all will to live.

“Oh I wish it could be Christmas every day!” proclaimed that hairy musical irritant Roy Wood, he and his one-hit wonder band Wizard have a lot to answer to – namely hate-crimes against music. That song lyric is certainly true for the money-grabbing, season-lengthening store bastards!

Viva La Revoution

Christmas needs a revolution. It’s time the stores should be made to pay and answer for their Christmas crimes. If you are somehow not convinced, consider this:

Shops use Santa’s Grotto’s as a clever ploy to entice you to bring your children inside – your children then see lots of toys, and want them all…..that is never good.

Even worse than this they are encouraging biblical malevolence….

“Thou shalt not worship false idols”

- Telling children to make wishes to Santa is blasphemous and your children could burn in hell as a result.

- You know Santa does not really exist, after all you eat all those mince pies you left out for ‘Santa’, and who really buys the presents? Not only that but you know damn well that the strange man, smelling of stale alcohol, in the dishevelled red suit, sat right there in the grotto you have brought your child to is not even the real fake Santa. You are lying and that’s another sin….now you could be the one sentenced to eternal damnation.



See? It is just one catastrophy after another!



So you are not religious, therefore none of this affects you anyway…..really?



OK, then name another situation where you would readily allow your child to sit on the lap of a fat, sweaty man, purposefully masking his true identity, pretending to be someone he is not, whose intention is to offer your child a nice ‘present’ if they promise to be good?!



Santa is a sex-pest and you should burn his grotto.



Let’s conclude and remind ourselves of the wonders of Christmas shopping:

- Over-priced toys
- Screaming, hissy fit children
- Soul-destroying, migraine-inducing music
- Grotesque eyesore displays and,
- A fat, perverted stranger in a stupid red velvet suit



I urge everybody that still has an ounce of sense to boycott the stores until the official Christmas shopping period….



The 24th December!



Who’s with me?