Some thieving chiselling twatter stole my Hotmail account the other day.

Yes, I was hijacked.

It left me feeling abused and defenceless.



No, not really, it just pissed me off. I think the worst think about cyber theft is the whole faceless offender aspect. What I mean is that if you are robbed in the street at least you have an actual physical person to blame it on. If you are fortunate, you can even catch the person and break some of their limbs.

Ok, I accept that you are in no danger of any physical harm from cyber crime – unless they use your credit card to buy porn, and the wife thinks your ‘cyber-thief’ alibi is bullshit and breaks your testicles. That would be bad – but the chances are that any online crime will result in mental anguish alone.

No Honour Among Thieves

Still, it is not acceptable. In fact, it is quite worrying. To think that some absolute fucker from Nigeria can steal your identity and card details, and then buy himself three pairs of Nike Air Max and a Reebok tracksuit from eBay – it’s the stuff of nightmares.



Especially if the bastard doesn’t leave any positive feedback for the seller…..



You selfish Nigerian twat, everyone knows that feedback is reciprocal! Now, not only am I £150 out of pocket, I am STILL 3 feedbacks short of a gold star.

I understand you’re a dishonest stealing helmet but there is no need whatsoever to be a complete arse about it. It wouldn’t have taken you a minute to add a nice comment or two, now you have totally fucked me over and I don’t even have a gold eBay rating to show for it……..you self-centred tosspot.

Anyway, I digress. This is about my stolen email account – not my previous eBay troubles.

Email Theft

Actually, it wasn’t so bad. My girlfriend asked me why I had sent her an odd email telling her about some really good site to buy stuff from. I hadn’t, so I checked my account and sure enough, the same email was present in my sent messages folder and had been sent to all my contacts. Not that was necessarily a bad thing, I had not cleared my contacts list for a while and some of the names in there were companies and odd people that I had grievances with via email. Maybe there was a silver lining and one of them opened the spam and got a virus!

Sadly that was doubtful, as I think the message was just some lowlife trying to earn affiliate commission.

Still, the wanker had my email account and if he sent shit loads of messages I could be hit with a spam complaint and I had owned that email for 10 years. Thieving spam boy could fuck off……it was mine.

Although the unlucky fuckwit had stolen the wrong account really…..most of my friends are complete tight-arses, he had fuck all chance of making a sale. I am surprised I didn’t receive abusive emails back from them telling me to do one and stop harassing them with shit.

An Easy Cure

The solution to my problem was simple really, I changed my password and since then all has been fine. I was concerned how he had gotten my password until the other day…..

I noticed a weird email from my girlfriend; the email was advertising a place to get a cheap iPod!

We checked her account and low and behold, someone had hacked her email and sent that message to everyone in her contacts. I got her to change her password and no more dodgy spam BUT…..her contact list has been wiped and for a while she couldn’t receive and incoming mail!

Bloody Hotmail!

I have my suspicions that Hotmail are not entirely innocent in all of this. There is no way anyone could have got my girlfriends password via my account. I think there has been some form of security breach at Hotmail so if you have one of their accounts I would keep a close eye on your sent messages.



Blimey, this almost counts as an educational, informative post. Bollocks.

No I am not referring to that little blue tin of dog food that masquerades as a form of processed meat. The subject of this post is the irritating unrequested email you received from some anonymous bottom feeder that wants to sell you some morally dubious product.

Modern email junk filters do perform a half-decent job of keeping this electronic dog turd from bothering me that often, but every once in a while some slimes its way through and infests my inbox.

I have noticed a recent change in the way SPAM is structured, well maybe it is not new, maybe I have just noticed…..whatever, it has come to my attention….and this post is the result.

Get a grip Hotmail

The junk box of my Hotmail account is festooned with crap but that’s fine…..it is the junk box after all. However, some messages that should be in there are creeping out. Hotmail has sprung a sewage leak and it is dripping poo into my inbox.

Spam No.1

Some of these junk-evading spam emails are messages allegedly from females. Apparently, all of them miss me and want me to join them in ‘live cam chat’ and watch them having fun.

Look love, while that sounds tempting, I have an odd suspicion that you are not real.

Honestly, my inbox is starting to read like a little black book.

Megan – Missing you

Kimberley – Hey, where have you been?

Sarah – Can’t wait to see you

The list goes on. Sadly, I don’t know a single one of these ‘ladies’, and by ladies I really mean men, because that’s whom most of them really are. Some sweaty fuckwit that is trying to make money from commissions earned by getting even sadder sweaty sex pests to sign up to a Sex Cam website – in some desperate hope of getting cyber jiggy with these fake hookers.

Spam No.2

The second style of shit I have been receiving, are those that appear to come from somewhere called Message Center – or similar variations of this. The subject field will be something along the line of, ‘You have a message waiting’ or, ‘Message in your Inbox’. I don’t actually know what these bastards are flogging because I have never opened one….even I am not that gullible (as opposed to the ‘lady spam’ which I opened out of curiosity and research).

If anyone does know what they are hoping for please let me know.

Spam No.3

I am getting a few emails from bloody Windows Live telling me that (for this example I will use the last alleged sender) Melanie, has a photo album that she wants to show me.

Jesus Christ, I am getting spammed by Microsoft! Who the fuck gets spammed by Microsoft? This is bloody unfair now!

With the greatest respect to Melanie, I don’t think you are a real person, I suspect you are trying to get me to click on a dodgy link in the promise of seeing your saucy little photo album. On the off chance that I am wrong and you are real then I sincerely apologise for calling you fake.

The fact remains that if you are real you will undoubtedly be fucking ugly…..and a loser. Get a grip woman, who emails random men offering to show a photo album?

Fugly losers that’s who.

Keep your vomit-inducing grotesque photo album to yourself you hideous stalking munter.

Spam No.4

Lastly, I have been getting some sneaky SPAM from annoying randoms that are using free email services like gmail or yahoo. What pisses me off is that my trusty Hotmail account just deposits them straight into my inbox.

Look Gates, you speccy twat, I do not know mike@taekwondo59.com and I have never heard of tom34562@gmail.com. God dammit, I only accept mail from my contacts and trusted sources!!

Now I accept that I some unscrupulous arse clown has probably sold my email address after I may have bought something from ebay or the like. I can almost handle getting SPAM from credit card companies and life insurance vultures…..hell I am now oblivious to offers of cheap Mexican Viagra I get them so often (I always keep one of those messages saved, maybe useful in my twilight years.)

But how did that clagnut mike@taekwondo59.com get my address?

I am perplexed. And I have no interest in a cheap iphone from an auction site.

Fucking spammers!

IF YOU GET SPAM LIKE THE KIND ABOVE, WHY NOT DO AS I DO AND REPLY. WHILE IT MAY SERVE NO REAL PURPOSE AND NEVER BE READ, IT CAN BE SUPRISINGLY SATISFYING, GIVE IT A TRY!

Here is the email I sent back to my new friend mike@taekwondo59.com, please feel free to use it as a spam-reply template if you so wish…



To: mike@taekwondo59.com



Subject Line: Congratulations! You have won 1st prize!



Email Body: “YOU GET TO LICK MY SWEATY BALL SACK YOU FUCKING SPAMMING CUNT.”