Adolescent Extortion
I’m sure many people will be looking forward to the endless barrage of cute, costumed children arriving at their doors, proclaiming, ‘Trick or Treat!’ hands outstretched, waiting for their candy reward – or buckets outstretched ready to be filled, if they are very devious.
Unsurprisingly, I won’t be waiting with eager anticipation. I will be dreading it.
It’s nothing short of bloody organized racketeering – not only that, but as is the case for most modern day seasonal events, the whole debacle is a blatant modern misrepresentation of what was historically a once purposeful tradition.
And They Look Shit
Iin most cases the begging little miscreants are adorned in crappy costumes and why should I award somebody else’s child for dressing up in a tattered white sheet? Kid’s like dressing up, it hardly deserves a medal – or sweets – and in most cases they make a lousy effort anyway.
It’s Not Even Accurate!
I admit to being somewhat historically illiterate, but if I remember correctly (I probably don’t), the origin of the trick or treat phenomenon was Irish peasantry collecting goods and produce for the festival of St. Columbus Kill. This would involve receiving worthy donations, like wheat, fruit or vegetables. These would then be redistributed amongst the needy – a sort of Harvest Festival system of alms. That was a good cause.
Giving greedy, often obese, nutritionally-challenged midgets sugar-laden treats just to get them away from your door is not alms and not a worthwhile cause – its extortion, and emotional blackmail, and very, very annoying. The haranguing little shits.
Defend Yourselves
I have tried various ploys to make my house a trick or treat ‘no go zone’ in the past; a bucket of water poured out of an upstairs window (sadly, this previously successful technique would be classified as ‘child abuse’ these days). I have placed signs on my door, such as: ‘Trick or Treaters will be shot’ and my personal favourite, ‘I do not have any sweets. Fuck off!’ but the simplest method by far is to just shut the door, though if I was better prepared I would remember to disconnect the door chime and not bother to answer the door in the first place.
In times gone by, I have had the greatest fun with responding to their difficult childish question with, ‘Trick’. In most circumstances this challenging response completely baffled the tiny fuckwits, their miniscule, greed-orientated brains had never factored for a negative response.
The majority stood dumbfounded for a while, before slowly skulking off, crying – if I was really lucky. Very rarely, a clever one or two had come prepared for a tight-arsed citizen and would react to my ‘Trick’ challenge with a miserably feeble attempt to ‘egg’ me. Laughably, their pathetic, weedy, spaghetti-like child arms could never propel their egg projectiles with any respectable force or accuracy and not one of the cocky little upstarts ever hit me. Ha!
The good news was that this belligerent act counted as a declaration of war and allowed for my swift, unmerciful retaliation. This came in the form of a rapid carpet-bombing for the miniature war-mongers with week-old eggs, which had been left somewhere warm in preparation.
I usually took some candy off the now sticky, crying, foul-smelling children as war-crime compensation for the cost of my munitions, the cost of cleaning up their misaimed missiles and as wages for my soldiers i.e. me.
But that was the good ole’ days.
Will I be proclaiming ‘Trick!’ this Halloween? No I will not.
Here is why…..
In these horrible times of rising juvenile violence and almost non-existent social morality there is a very high probability that I would get stabbed, or my house burnt to the ground, if I dared to deny their demand.
Besides, they probably won’t be asking for sweets, they will be holding rucksacks open for us all to fill with our finest jewellery and electrical goodies….that’s if they have not just forced their way past and taken the TV and DVD player.
What I want to know is when did a balaclava and a hoody become acceptable as Halloween costume?
Maybe I am just behind the times.
Still I am optimistic and believe there is still good in the children of the world, they just need some sage-like adult guidance, and here is what we should all do…..
When they knock at the door and proclaim ‘Trick or Treat?’ hand them some good, healthy nutritional foods this year. Give them some fruit, or a nice carrot. Maybe, you could visit your local second-hand bookstore and buy some classic novels; after all, nothing shows appreciation better than a dog-eared copy of Wuthering Heights. Ok, the chance is the ungrateful little shits will not thank you now, but just think of their undying gratitude when they avoid diabetes, a teenage heart-attack and having to attend ‘special school’.
Go on, give something back to Trick or Treat this year, give the children something they desperately need….sensible moral guidance.
Disclaimer: The author of this blog post cannot be held legally responsible when you are brutally murdered, or badly maimed on your doorstep after following the advice contained within this blog.
Any attempt to give a sheath of wheat or an apple to a knife-wielding, or gun-toting adolescent is done so entirely at your own risk.